Saturday, August 19th, 1995
Dear God,

Once again, moving time.  And a late suppertime -- as I had a brunch
at 1pm and no supper yet -- it's 9pm.  

Just got back from a small vacation last night.  Think I raised a bit of
a ruckus with one of your ministers there in Kansas City, writing her a
note to inform her just how little prudence I felt she used when interacting
with me.  I told her I would pray for her.  The next day I saw her and
she introduced me to her senior pastor and did some (more) indiscretions ...
so I not only prayed for her, I wrote a (hasty?) note to let her know what
I thought.  I was not kind.

Am now home in the apartment which I soon will be leaving, Apartment 4
in the basement of 1616 Hinkson, next door to the landlady, Alice Bell.
Am already renting a place over on 104 Clinkscales -- Apt. 304, in the
Montmartre Apartments.  Have been lazily packing a few boxes with some
books and national geographic magazines.  Found some Guideposts, so star-
ted to collect them and the Upper Rooms together.  Digging in my desk
drawer to find a cherished (?) stash of them, I also found a number of
unsent correspondences that made it in the drawer of Grandmother's old
desk.

Spiritual growth takes many forms.  The best form, it seems to me, is
a form where work is done in a loving environment.  For me, it is a very
slow (*VERY* slow) process, with numerous times of falling back upon old
habits of selfishness and stultification of growth.  I would dare say that
prolonged selfishness is one of the poorer behaviours in terms of what it
can do for the purpose of spiritual growth.  Everywhere I turn, there are
lessons and examples of givingnesses, generosities, openingnesses, calm-
nesses, and lovingnesses which exemplify the best and most fruitful parts
of the methods of this growth.

I contrast all of this with the growth of one of my friends, who has taken
to worshiping and attempting to commune with a power, a Goddess, that rep-
resents chaos.  Now, it seems to me that her chaos can allow her to focus
on her own needs a lot, and that chaotics (in terms of a way of thinking
and/or a way of emoting) is a method by which many people live, in which
the unorderedness and unscientificness of their thoughts and feelings cause
them to live a rather uncentered life which, because of human nature being
the way it is, means whatever centeredness there is about them is about the
self.  Deliberately practicing lovingkindnesses is not something that I
associate with chaotics.  And yet, deliberate givingness, outward caring,
and working with self and others in a spirit of love is what I feel that
spiritual growth is all about.

I've heard some about what my friend goes through:  some from my friend,
some from other sources.  I do not doubt that she comes through her 
meditation experiences (in attempting to commune with a spirituality
of chaos) with some very important insights and some profound
knowledge.  But I also understand that it takes a lot away from her.
She is a very curious person, a genius, and very determined.  I doubt
that anything could dissuade her from continuing with her experiments
with chaotic spirits, unless it were her own will, satisfied finally
that she had learned all that she wanted to learn from pursuing this
kind of spirituality.  But I sense in her a drive -- a drive for the
purpose and a purpose for the drive.  And this drive is, to me, some-
what akin to lust; hence it will not be slaked.  This will be her
fetish, her addiction, her lust perhaps for some time to come.  And I
wish her well ... for it takes her in a direction that I am afraid of.

For it is the chaotics, I feel, that leads to more unreasoned prejudice, 
hatreds and violences in humankind -- no.  I am not sure of that.  I would
rather say that it is the chaotics spawned by fear, the combination of
chaos and fear, that can lead to violences; because fear without consider-
ation and fair thinking can excuse itself for doing some very terrible
things.

I get confused here, though.  I sense a real thinker in my friend.  And I
know my friend has lived through a number of violences in her life at the
family level.  If she is like many geniuses, she will have tried and tried
to find some kind of rhyme and reason for the awful things she experienced
growing up.  And perhaps she has found an answer in chaos.  And maybe she
is finding even more answers there.

I admire her guts for walking the path she chooses.  It is not a path I
choose for myself.  And her path, I am sorry to say, inspires a bit of fear
in me.  So I respect and very much like my friend, (she has always been very
kind to me) and intend to remain friends with her, working through my own
fear.  I doubt I would want to try to take her path; and as I have a great
deal of empathy, I think I can sometimes feel her path when she is around;
and it scares me.  But I can choose to believe in the strength of my path,
and know that my love for her as a friend will be of benefit to both of us.
I should call her.