Friday, January 5th, 1996 Dear God, Although I am actually writing on Sunday 1/14/96, the bulk of this was written on 1/5/96. This is a long excerpt from an electronic mail note from Cheryl Hill, my friend who is a minister and who serves you by pastoring a church in Fayette, Missouri, and also by being my friend. This letter, as you can see, is answering me about my doubts regarding your son, Jesus Christ, doubts I am not sure are going to go away quickly. The parts that she is quoting are from an e-mail note I wrote in the wee hours of the morning of Friday, 1/5/96 and concluded at 3:45am. Without further ado, here it is: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 09:41:32 -0600 (CST) From: "Cheryl L. Hill" To: "David D. Eisenstein" ... > > I love the word "ephiphany" with all it connotions of awaking and reawaking > to simple and profound truths, which are spiritually guided, led, and nur- > tured. > You know, the other day, at church, we were singing "Away in the Manger," > one of my all-time favorite carols since I was a tyke. The middle of the > hymn, the verse goes "I love thee, Lord Jesus, look down from the sky / > and stay by my cradle till morning is nigh." I broke off after the phrase > "I love thee, Lord Jesus," because I knew I didn't mean it. I couldn't > mean it -- for it suddenly hit me that I don't know Jesus. How can I > love someone or something I don't know? By some method similar > to a baby's cathection to its mother? I'm far too sophisticated an > adult to resort to such -- not at my age! It hit me, at any rate, that > I don't love Jesus; I only just barely know him. I know the struggles > of working in the hard-bitten computing industry in a shop that is soft- > bitten but nevertheless feels hard to me. I know the struggles of dealing > daily with what I deem to be stupidities in my coworkers in their decision > making (or apparent lack thereof). I know the loneliness of bachelorhood > being in the mid-thirties and the angriness of feeling unfairly dealt > with when it feels how God has chosen for me to feel valued much of the > time ... I know how to count faults, blame, ... where is there room in > all of this for love of some diety called "Jesus Christ" that I am com- > pelled to sing of during a church service? > I don't know how feel valued. > I don't know how to accept love. > And when it's there, I cannot believe on it: it doesn't typically feel > real, even if it is earnestly offered. And amid all of these hatreds and > fears, I am supposed to sing about loving some child born over 2,000 years > ago?!? Get real! > > ... and yet ... and yet, I am planning to be in church on Sunday. > > And maybe someday I will be able to recall who I was and how it was > as a young child, when I could sing Away in the Manger all the way through > with my whole heart. I wasn't raised not to love Jesus. > > Well, thanks for reading through this tirade. Blessings to you on your > forthcoming 3-week hiatus and vacation, as much as this curmudgeon can > manage. *:) See ya! > Your friend, > David > thank you for sharing such profound truths with me. the gift you have is that you can perceive these things about yourself, while others never really consider what it means to "love" the One who shines through the manger child. i remember thinking as a child that perhaps it really wan't appropriate to "love Jesus," because i felt my loyalty should be to love God. Triune thoughts have always fascinated me...my study of pre-Columbian cultures of what is now called Central America use many more than three "persons" to describe the many things that God does. i suppose i've always been concerned about idolatry, yet many names for the One who loves doesn't bother me at all. i like thinking of many ways to name God. i don't really know who the man Jesus was, nor do i know if i like everything (i like most of it, and don't really trust that Jesus really said the things i don't like ...hmmm, creating my own diety or what?) that the gospels report that he said. i have discovered a presence that is with me all the time, that was with me in the midst of a terrible loneliness of my childhood, and that presence is what i love. because that presence helped me love myself when i felt unloved...that presence helped me become valuable when the people around me encouraged me to feel worthless (at least worth less than boys)...this is the presence that i sensed as my creator when i contemplated suicide; i felt if my creator made me, then i would at least have value to the One who created me...being an artist and loving my own creations even when others can't see the beauty i do, this idea of the creator presence was really helpful to me. i sometimes struggle with who Jesus is and if i should "love Him," but most of the time i think of the Christ as the human who made the creator known to humanity. i'm so glad to have a sense of the presence that is my creator, i'm in love with anyone who helps to reveal that presence to others--to spare them the loneliness, worthlessness and guilt that i vaguely remember from my past. Epiphany - the unveiling; the revealing; the manifestation of the divine; the recognition of Jesus as the One who reveals; who unveils; who embodies the love of God. thank you for unveiling your soul you are a blessing che Cheryl L. Hill chill03@mail.coin.missouri.edu