Saturday, June 28th, 1997 Dear God, Well, maybe it is time to write to you again. How have you been doin'? I understand you sometimes have problems keeping your humans in line, accor- ding to the way my church teaches -- keeping people so that they keep you in mind and keep the principles you want taught and practiced by people in the fore. Is that true, God? Since I last wrote you here on my computer, I've done a number of things. As you know, I have remained scared of the world. Have done some work to get out of that -- pursuing a friendship here, a church service there. Perhaps it has been so long that you didn't know of the Bible Studies I occasionally take part in? Well, of course you know, God -- I pray to you from those studies with Rev. Moessner and Jeff in the Lutheran Church on West Blvd. Since you know everything, then you knew of my week spent being an adult counsellor at a canoe camp, headed by Rev. Cheryl Hill, and with Scott Guthrie, Tracy Fugitt, and Connie _________ as other adult leaders to the 17 or so youth who camped. It was earlier this month. I don't need to tell you how I felt about camp right after it was over (I was ready for it to be over!), and now how I feel about it (missing it). But, what the hey. My friend Vicki had her last day working for Lindenberg & Associates and her last day as a consultant for them to Anheuser-Busch in St. Louis. She will be beginning with Enterprise rent-a-car soon. Me? I had an interview (the first interview I have had at all since having left Carfax) with Carolyn Mat- thews this Wednesday afternoon, for being office help in her office. Told her I would be getting back with her, probably the next day. Didn't really try to get in touch with her until yesterday afternoon, when Swain answered the phone. Today is my parents' 47th wedding anniversary, one week to the day after my 37th birthday. I hope they have a nice celebration. I certainly had a really nice birthday, spending all of the day at home with Mom and Dad. Aunt Marge and Uncle Bob came over to visit and have lunch with us that afternoon -- Aunt Marge got to watch as Mom and I made icing (home-made) for the scratch built cake Mom made for me that morning. I just polished off the last piece of cake last night. Decided to send news the day before my birthday 'round to various friends who live in my "fellow-poets" mailing list -- which consisted of: Jeff Brotemarkle Cheryl Hill Tom and Diana Cloud Tom Alan (Br. Dominic) Lenk Jennifer Melcher Jonathan Speak Lauren Boland (though I don't think she does her COIN account anymore) Virginia Wayman Wayman responded in somewhat of a surly response (at least, this is how I initially interpreted it), thanking me for including her in my correspondence with people she doesn't even know, and congratulating me for having friends other than her. She is now off of that list. She, as well, is practically completely off of my list of friends (as I am sure you already know, God). Not sure that I can blame her, given that there are specific things she looks for in friends and specific things she seems to not look for. In terms of there being friendship there -- what I am or what I do is a complete misfit (from everything she says) for her personality, her kind of mouth, her kind of reverence for anything outside of her little world. She indicated in her correspondence that she doesn't even deserve a friend like me (whatever that means) and I now concur. It's not that I am better than she is, or am blameless in the sight of God or anything. It is just that when the time for complaints comes around, her mouth is open, or her fingers typing furiously about all of the things wrong with how I choose to relate to her. And when the time for compliments is around, the time for nurture or support of the friendship: her mouth is closed. Heck, I don't even thinl there even exists a time of compliments or appreciation in her little mind for such as me. I finally have to shrug my shoulders and decide that she is full of shit. It is really her loss. My brand of friendship, however, may deserve derision or complaints. At least as I demonstrate friendship to her, I have concluded that she may well be very right about some of the observations (that feel to me like complaints) that she makes. She points out how she observes that people who act desperate for friendship generally are perceived as worthless as they perceive themselves to be. Deep down, I know I am not a worthless person. But I have also taken the tack of continuing to pursue friendship with this Wayman creature for a number of years ... and have always seemed to have a way of doing this pur- suit like an eager puppy or something, panting for her attention -- perhaps even craving her attention. I know how put off I feel when someone else demonstrates that kind of attitude towards me -- when I have felt that some- one has an "unnatural" or overwhelmingly strong interest in me, my not under- standing why or what they want. My suspiciousness grows, as does my fear of such people. And I want to avoid them. And, considering the feeling I have about such, Virginia has demonstrated a great deal of patience and forebear- ance towards me; not completely willing to shut me off (at least not at this stage of her life), but willing to assert her need for breathing room. I just wish I knew how to be more disinterested, more fair to her so I don't turn into that hot kitchen from which she needs to get out. I tire so, God, of being that hot kitchen to some people -- and yet finding myself so darned attractive to others who themselves are hot kitchens to me. We never seem to be happy with what we have; we always want something else. And we always want something that we have to earn -- or the grass on the other side of the fence, which always looks greener than that on our side. We seem to want what we can't have -- and end up having what we don't want. Even though what we may have may be far more than we deserve, and what we want may make us desperately unhappy in the long run. What are the things that are most important to me? - Love - Not necessarily a one-on-one love relationship with anyone - Appreciation - Healing from unreasoned fears - Healing from unreasoned prejudices - Friends to whom I may listing and from whom I may borrow an ear - Having a quiet place of my own where I can retreat - Having a loving-kindly spiritual center (whether or not that center is labelled "Christ", "Buddha", "Nirvana" or "Higher Self") One thing not on the above list: - Computer I crave relationship with good people, people who do not judge overmuch, people who can accept the gifts I have to offer, quietly discarding the ones that don't suit them, and acknowledging those that do. I need help, however, in discerning those "gifts" I possess that keep people from wanting to know me, from wanting to get close to me. I need help in recognizing and acting upon those people who do know how to appreciate what I have, refelcting their love back in such a way that they do not feel they can use me in any power trips or possesivenesses of the love I offer back. Most of all, I need people who can appreciate my love in such a way that they do not after awhile presume to own that part of me that I offer freely -- that they recognize each moment of proffered love as just that, a new moment of love, different from the previous moments, and possibly of limited duration. I don't need friends that hate what I have to offer. I need to be able to seek out and find those who can accept me as I am. ----------- 1:04pm Just now got off the phone with Victor at St. Joseph. It was an interesting conver- sation. He had much to say about the "echoes" he is getting, one thing lead from the Lord leading to another. He has felt very blessed there, and I get the feeling that he is considering religious vocation. He gave me the Bible Verse Jeremiah 29:11, which I looked up in the AKJV Bible I have online here. Nice writing, God! -David