Saturday, Nov. 15th, 10:37am Dear Journal - God- Here begins a bufferfull of information that, as I type, hasn't yet found a home on my hard drive on my home computer. To my left, I have a notebook that is in the process of being converted from a University/Computer- Science/Job Hunting/Software-Development-Article kind of notebook into a Job/Job/Job/Software-Development-Article kind of notebook, if I can get over my confusion about how to go about rendering items in it, if I can get over my confusion about what it is I am going to do today -- Go to Columbia and clean out the old apartment? go early? or stay here and type in my journal? or render bills here then go to Columbia? or where do I deposit my first paycheck? and what about all of the conflicting demands upon my time at work? how do I prioritize? what do I do with all of these boxes filling this new office-room of mine? where am I? What is Overland, MO? How in the hell did I find myself here? Well, I cannot go early to Columbia anymore. That is not an option, because according to my handy-dandy little Windows(TM) clock, it is already 10:47am. I have successfully put off paying my bills all week (I could have even done so last week at the Hotel, as they were there with me); but thank God I did not do it last week, as I needed an infusion of cash to even help me pay my deposit and first months' rent. Thursday night, God, I spent on the phone most of the evening, first with Vicki Samuels to get the phone number of some pastoral care minister at Manchester United Methodist Church. She gave me the telephone number of a pager (the staff on call) there. So then I spent at least 45 minutes maybe an hour talking with Rev. Amy Gearhart Sage on the staff of Manches- ter United Methodist Church. She emphasized the fact that some people had to believe in me and believe in my professionalism in order to have me even get to where I am -- and that I may have far more going for me in terms of being able to control the situation at work than I feel I do. Then I called Mom. She had a number of sage and forceful things to say about her belief in me and in my ability to handle what is being thrown at me. Then I called Tom Leritz at home. We were already scheduled to have lunch Friday around noon. I poured out to Tom what things were going on with me and how I was feeling about Tom Denham and Tom D.'s attitude at Benjamin Ansehl. Everybody I talk to and their dog tells me what to do: and invariably, they tell me that I need to stick with it. I tell many people of my reservations and my incredible problems dealing with even wanting to be associated with some of the things I am understanding there. The others are invariably saying, "Yeah, but." "Yeah, but you should give it more time." "Yeah, but you have more than you think you do to be able to handle these situations." Or, "Dave, I know you won't let people walk on you." Just the threat or perceived possibility that I may be placing myself in a position where people will walk on me ... tends to make me want to run scared. ----------------------- 11:21am Just now got off the phone with Kay Wortman of Kay Wortman and Associates. I now have an appointment with her next Saturday at 11:30am. She will help me build myself and my self-image and ability to conduct myself as a professional. Just knowing that I have this appointment has calmed me down ~50%. Now I must call Jonathan Speak and let him know that I am on my way to Colum- bia (however, may not actually be able to hit the highway until about 12:30pm), because I have a couple of orchestra tickets to give away. Or not? Maybe I can go to Columbia to clean up tomorrow rather than today? "Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today." The banks won't be open tomorrow; but they will be open today. I have a bag packed with grunge clothes and unpaid bills to take with me to Columbia today. And I have a check that needs depositing. And a notebook that needs filling with some sort of orderly approach to Benjamin Ansehl notes ... but that's not what the weekend is for. That's what work is for. So I take out the old stuff of my notebook here at home and find a home for it (maybe file 13?) here, then worry about populating it at work with relevant stuff. I'll deal with that notebook tomorrow; I need to hit the road now. Where is my sleeping bag? I may need to sleep overnight in Colubmia..... *sigh* ...and where are my trash bags? I'll need them. bye for now, God. Thanks for the idea of contacting Kay Wortman. She's not cheap; but I bet she'll be worth it!