Sunday, June 13th, 1999, 18:50 2554 Belle Cote Ave. St. Louis, MO 63114 Dear God: It's me again. I feel very sad. 21:35 But I feel elated. This has been a weekend of your miracles, one after another. From arriving to church just in time to sing the Hallelujah Chorus, to being able to ac- complish work on Saturday, even though stress had been so high over the past two weeks ... to the miracle of being able to be a little bit of help to Rick of the church, and feel a little bit part of another's life who I could help ... to the lady at the checkout who looked so beautiful and po- tentially able to have joy (yet so sad) who I smiled to ... to the lady who encountered me when I pulled in this afternoon after taking Rick to the grocery store. What was her name? She was very pretty, in her own way, and extremely polite. She pulled up to visit someone in 2546 BelleCote, but the name she had written down wasn't matching anyone I knew ... and now to the miracle of encounter tomorrow morning ... when at work or when at the consulting company. I cannot get over how incredibly nice that lady in yellow (she told me her name -- what is it??) was, who asked after my neighbor, and who walked with me to Norma Finch's apartment, under her umbrella. She accused me of being "sweet," after having aroused me from a short rest in the car. This is of course, not mentioning the miracle of the encounter with Father Dominic ... and his incredible and extremely timely help ... I am concerned, Father, for Father Dominic, as he looks worn by worry and cares far beyond what a man of his years should have... too many too much too quickly? I leave my life, my attitude, my approach to colleagues and problems, my approach to friends and family in your hands, Father and Creator. My spirituality has been so very poor lately, my anger and tension and confu- sion of blame so overdone and overstated. With your help, we shall survive the next few weeks in our work in Dairy, and the world will survive also. Help me to love as I wish to be loved. Help me to help and support as I wish to be helped and supported. I've been failing to work with others on my team in a loving, caring fashion ... being selfish and mean and rude in some cases to them. Now I sit and do something I have not done in a long, long time. I am sitting, standing, walking around here in this basement, talking to people who are not here ... but pretending that they are here ... giving them a talking to that may or may not ever happen in real life. I am planning to try to walk the walk and talk the talk of Christianity ... to deal with the inconstancies of Kristen or other workers in a kindly, and multiply-for- giving way ... to let things to, but BUT!! to also make sure that if there is *work* to forgiveness that needs to be done, that I will *not* be doing that work alone. I am dreaming of a get-together with Kristen and myself. And I telling her what's what. And knowing in my heart that unless this kind of thing were to be approached humbly, that it would only create more of an enemy. I am dreaming of a get-together with Kristen, Doug and myself. And our discussing what's what. And our finding out ... what our expectations are or are not. I am ashamed of how I have been reacting to the stressors in my life. I am *ashamed* of some of the messages I have been putting out to my colleagues. I am ashamed that any actions I may have taken have helped lead my colleagues into temptation -- temptation of doing hurtful political things or of doing things to impinge their trustworthiness. I cannot however take *responsibility* for the actions others chose. And if Kristen chose actions the net effect of which were to lower her integrity in my eyes (making promises and doing everything in her power to make sure that she did not have to keep those promises) -- well, that was *her* choice, not mine. My opinion on her integrity is *my* choice, and I can only base my opinion on my observations. Can I trust Kristen anymore? Can I afford not to trust her? Or is it going to matter in one or two months, if either Doug or me or both of us are no longer wanted by Monsanto, and Kristen is? Can I let it go? Or can I only let it go after a confrontation? Is this my problem, the disappointment I feel and the vastly lowered ability to believe in Kristen's integrity ... or is this a problem that Kristen and I share that the she needs to know about ... so that we both can work together to fix the damage that has been done to our relationship? I stand here shakily. I live, it seems, on shaky ground. If I cannot start learning to operate myself with love and care for my colleagues, they may all learn to hate me, and my ground will become shakier and shakier ... as my emotions will. And I wonder about Brad Bennet's remark about what he feels his colleagues think of him ... and if that has more to do with what he thinks of his colleagues (and assumes they think in turn), than what they really *do* think of him? "They wouldn't have me around here unless they really needed me," Brad has told me. "If I weren't so darned knowledgeable about many things, they would have had me out of here long ago," he says. How does he know that? Enough musings about that work thing. I am getting stressed all over thinking about these problems that may really not be mine to solve, but rather, mine to give to God, and work with the Holy Spirit for guidance in solving these problems... with love. With self-respect. And with the remembrances of this amazing weekend ... where God seems to have shown me, many times over, the abundance of His love, His care, and His hope for my continuing to learn His way.