Joseph is one of the rare biblical characters of whom very little is said about his flaws. We mainly see his trust in God, his ability to forgive, and his love for his family. Here we at least get a glimpse of his humanity. God made us emotional beings. Big girls do cry--a lot! Strong emotions often accompany situations in which we are dealing with pain from our past, reconciliation in the present, or boundaries for the future. Look back at Genesis 45:3 (page 134). What was the first statement Joseph made to his brothers once his attendants left the room? Now review the words used to describe the reaction of Joseph's brothers in Genesis 45:3 (page 134). If you have access to a search- able online Bible, look up this verse in several different transla- tions and note below any different words that are used to describe their reaction. I can only imagine the mixture of disbelief, concern for their lives, clarity about past interactions, guilt, and many other things that could have been rolling around in their heads in this moment. They can’t even wrap their minds around the fact that their brother is not only alive but his dreams of having authority over them have been realized. While they are reeling in shock, Joseph speaks again. His words provide a great model for us in the reconciling conversations we have with those who have hurt us, identifying four important concepts. 1. Request Any Needed Affirmations The first thing Joseph asks concerns the welfare of his father: "Is my father still alive?" (Genesis 45:3). He already knows his father is still alive, having asked this same question previously (Genesis 43:27-28). It's as though he is saying, "Please tell me again." When coming to a moment of truth, affirmations are often needed. One time my husband, Sean, saw a friend in the church parking lot after the worship service and felt there was awkwardness between them. Although they had not had a conflict, Sean and this man's very close friend were reconciling after an argument. Sean said, "Are we okay?" He looked at Sean and said, "Yes, we are fine. It's like two of my friends had a fight on the playground and made up. We are good." My husband simply needed affirmation that their friendship wasn't affected. Doubt and worry can cause us to feel insecure throughout the reconcil- iation process, so we need to be willing to boldly ask for affirmation even if we've already been told once that things are okay. When have you needed to ask someone to affirm what you thought was true in a relationship— just to be sure? 2. Communicate "Come Closer" The next thing Joseph says is, "Please, come closer" (Genesis 45:4). Joseph has observed his brothers and now feels safe to invite them to come closer--physically and emotionally. Remember that he has tested the waters first. We don't invite alligators to come close. But once we have patiently, slowly, and carefully tested our offender, we need to follow Joseph's exam- ple and use words and body language that communicate the message, "Come closer." Notice the tactics Joseph doesn't use--the things he doesn't say or do. He doesn't o rehash the specifics of his pain. o make punitive remarks. o give shame. o exude bitterness or hardness. o make passive-aggressive jabs. I admit there have been times when I have wanted to reconcile with my husband after exchanging harsh words, but I have wrongfully used some of these negative tactics. Even when we want to make things better, it can be tempting to throw in a little shame here or a jab there. Unfortunately, it fails to communicate, "Come closer." In fact, it sometimes can be like pour- ing gasoline on a flame, which ends up making the situation worse instead of better. We would do well to learn from Joseph's wise example of reconciliation dialogue. He grappled with grace privately until he was ready to extend it publicly. After an argument, it is better for us to wait to approach the other party until God has fully worked truth and grace into our hearts, so that the words that overflow clearly communicate, "Come closer." Think through a past reconciliation. How did you communicate the message "come closer" to someone? What words, body language, or actions did you use? In a current fragile relationship that you feel is safe to repair, what is one practical way that you can communicate, "Come closer"? 3. Acknowledge the Truth Though Joseph says, "Come closer," he also states the truth of the mat- ter. "I am Joseph, your brother, whom you sold into slavery in Egypt" (Genesis 45:4)--these are the next words he speaks after asking them to come near. Joseph isn't heaping on guilt here, but neither is he sugarcoating. He is not only clarifying his identity but also communicating that from here on out, the fictitious story they have been sticking to for a long time must be replaced with truth. He wants them to come closer, but he seems to know that it won't be possible without honest admission of the wrong that was done. Lewis Smedes says this about the importance of truthfulness: "Without truthfulness, your reunion is humbug, your coming together is false. With truthfulness, you can make an honest new beginning. . . . To be specific, you must expect those who hurt you to be honestly in touch with the reality of your falling-out, your pain, and their responsibility for them." I have tried to reconcile without truthfulness, but I have learned that once a falling-out has caused distance, trying to come closer by sweeping it all under the rug merely maintains a facade. We can avoid the painful past and attempt to pretend nothing happened, but we can’t truly come closer with that elephant always in the room. The reality is that something happened, and all parties must recognize the event and the pain that it caused. In Joseph's case, the hurtful event was one-sided. His brothers wronged him. Sometimes we are the perpetrator, and other times we are the victim. Often we are both. When reconciling, usually both parties have some things they can own that they aren't proud of or would do differently in hindsight. Maybe you started the fracture with hurtful words, but then the other person gossiped to someone about it. Perhaps another person lied about you, but then you reacted with angry words. In his book _Forgive and Forget_, Smedes lists four things that are necessary for truth when reconciling with others who have hurt us: o They must truly understand the reality of what they did to hurt you. o They must be truthful with the feelings you have felt. o They must be truthful in listening to you. o They ought to be truthful about your future together. Just as we expect this from our offender, so we must be willing to take this posture in order for true reconciliation to occur. Of course, we can't expect our understanding of what happened to perfectly align with theirs. Smedes explains it this way: "No two people in the history of personal misunderstandings have ever remembered their painful experience in the same colors and the same sequences, because no two people have experienced the same hurt in precisely the same way. So, if you want total recall, blow for blow, insult for insult, hurt for hurt, you will never get what you need." Because we will never see things in exactly the same light as others, we need the bare minimum of acknowledgment of feelings and truth concerning the basic circumstances. Joseph had heard his brothers' account of what they did to him on their first visit to Egypt (Genesis 42:21), and he does not take the opportunity to correct them now. This moment of reconciliation is not a long rehash of the details but a simple statement of the truth of what they had done to hurt him: they had sold him. It is important to note that perception and truth are not always the same thing. Truth consists of irrefutable facts. Look at the statements below and mark T for truth (an undeniable action) and P for perceptions (someone's interpretation of what happened): _____You raised your voice above its normal tone. _____You threw something across the room. _____You were late to something that is important to me. _____You served me with divorce papers. _____You put me in a pit and sold me into slavery _____You directed that general comment on social media at me. _____You intentionally ignored me at the party. _____You intended to hurt me by not inviting me. _____You judged my parenting by not allowing your child to come to my house. _____You like other people more than me. The first five statements are truth (T), and the last five are perceptions (P). Perceptions involve judging motives or deciding what others are thinking or feeling. Though they may feel like reality to us, they may or may not reflect the truth. Trying to align our perceptions with those of others often leads to deeper hurt. We cannot play detective, using clues from our own per- spective to make assumptions about what others are thinking and feeling. Communication is paramount to sorting through perceptions. On the other hand, truth--undeniable actions that wound us or others-- must be acknowledged in order to move forward in reconciliation. Showing up late, throwing something, hanging up the phone, raising your voice, lying, and other undeniable actions must be admitted and acknowledged if we are to repair a relationship. Choose one of the following questions and write a brief response: 1. When have you tried to reconnect with someone but found you couldn't move forward because the other person was unwilling to acknowledge the pain he or she had caused through words or actions? 2. When have you tried to reconnect with someone but found it only got worse as you rehashed the situation and your differing percep- tions continually collided, making the situation worse? When others feel hurt because they perceive that we ignored them, slighted them, or failed to include them, we must be willing to acknowledge their pain even though our motive was not to harm. We must communicate in order to sort through motives, and we must believe one another rather than try to determine one another's thoughts or feelings based on perceptions alone. Joseph not only speaks the truth; as he does so, he also makes God the focus of his words of reconciliation. 4 Focus on God Immediately after speaking the truth, Joseph follows it with these words: "But don't be upset, and don't be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place" (Genesis 45:5). There is no penitence necessary; it is already forgiven. Joseph doesn't play the victim card. Instead he chooses to view the barbaric treatment he has endured as something God is using as a life- saver for many. Joseph doesn't talk much about himself here. As Warren Weirsbe notes, "It wasn't a time for explanations and excuses but for honest expression of love and forgiveness." Unfailing love and truth have met together. Righteousness and peace have kissed! (Psalm 85:10) Read Psalm 85:10 in the margin. Write below the two things that have met together and kissed: Joseph truthfully says that his brothers sold him into slavery, but his words are flavored with loving mercy and grace. His focus is on God, not himself. He looks to that second story that God is building, saying, "It was God who sent me here" (Genesis 45:5), rather than using accusing words. Joseph sees God's redemptive power even in his brothers' past cruel behavior. Can you put the focus on God and see something beneficial that has come from harm caused by others? If so, describe it below: How might focusing on God's redemptive power help you to "come closer" to that person or those persons in reconciliation? There have been times when I have desperately wanted to "come closer" in a strained relationship, but we couldn't move forward because there was not an acknowledgment of feelings and facts between us— much less a focus on God's redemptive power. It's hard to let go of the habit of reading into the actions, motives, and feelings of others, especially when social media "creeping" is so prevalent. How have you seen social media as a detriment to "coming closer" in some of your relationships? We can look at a few pictures and statements and find ourselves determin- ing in our minds another person's level of happiness or feelings toward us. When pursuing reconciliation with someone, sometimes one of the best ways we can "come closer" is simply to stay off of each other's social media feeds. Without added distractions, it is easier to communicate and keep our focus on God as we view the situation through His eyes. God wants reconciliation, but just as we need to acknowledge the truth of sin in order to draw closer and reconcile with God, so we must acknowledge the truth of hurtful words and actions in order to “come closer” and reunite with others. Distance remains--whether physical or emotional or both--between those who are "never wrong" and just want to move on, pretending nothing ever happened. Keeping our focus on God, remembering His great mercy and grace and power to redeem, can help us to have the perspective we need in order to have effective reconciling conversations with others. (There's a little more but this is the heart of the lesson.) Spoelstra, Melissa (2015-08-04). Joseph - Women's Bible Study Participant Book: The Journey to Forgiveness. Abingdon Press. Kindle Edition.