Conversation early a.m. 7/13/2018 Me: Thank you for writing me back. Friend: Of COURSE! Friend: Seriously, you should do what makes you happy. If there are people you wish to see, you should go. Otherwise, if you'd be uncomfortable, then why bother? Me: I have proposed, in the meantime, to Mary that she propose to Scott that he allow me to dump a bag of ice down his back there, publicly, at which time I could announce to anyone who will listen, "You have been served, Scott!" Me: And then forgive him. Me: And tell him so. Friend: One of the perks of aging is, we get to please ourselves. We don't have to gain someone's approval to feel validated or worthwhile. Me: Mary suggested that instead of ice, it be a snake, and that we don't get Scott's permission beforehand.... Friend: I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he got deep enough into my psyche... That I needed revenge. Admit that and he wins.. Friend: Mind over matter... You won't mind, because he doesn't matter! Me: Who cares who "wins"? He has already won many times over, whether he knows it or not. Me: Many people who witnessed his abuse of me might "get it". Friend: Yes, but never give it to him.. Bullies derive satisfaction from knowing they can still manipulate you.. Ruin your joy, even years later.. Me: Hm. Me: There was a time in 6th Grade, Mrs. Browning's A.T. (Academically Talented) class ... that this class that I was in -- we were all playing softball, and I was up to bat. Everyone, and I mean Everyone in that classed jeered and booed and put me down, and of course, I struck out. I don't think I have ever been so traumatized as I was on the playground that day. Me: The whole fucking world is filled with bullies!! Me: Fuck it! Me: So giving Scott the "satisfaction of knowing that he got deep enough into my psyche" is to me clearly besides the point. What I desperately need to do is forgive. Forgiveness is healing. Friend: Yes, forgive for your sake, not his. Friend: Forgive so you're not eaten up with hatred. Me: Who cares whose sake it is for? It just needs to happen. I don't care about who "wins" or who "loses" here. Why should anyone care? Friend: It depends.. Me: Maybe he would be filled with glee to know he was successful at trampling me many years ago. Maybe it will feed an evil ego. Maybe not. Friend: Somebody who thrives on intimidation would care Me: I challenge you to read this article. It may or may not have anything to do with our discussion here, but ... Me: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hegemonic_masculinity Friend: I'm just saying, don't admit to him that he got into your head. Me: Why do you believe that not admitting that is helpful? Friend: Iys ok to admit it to yourself, just not him. Me: But why, friend? Friend: Survival instinct. You don't let a viscious animal have access to your soft underbelly. Friend: Dogs only show their bellies to people you trust Friend: They Friend: As you may have discerned, I have little patience for bullies.. Me: Perhaps then the best thing to do is simply not go. Continue practicing the avoidance I have practiced all my life.... Friend: Go if it will please you. Stay home if it won't. But whatever you choose.. Do it for the right reasons.. Me: Indeed. Me: Jesus Christ's teachings seem to fly in the face of basic human survival instincts. But... he got crucified! Friend: Indeed, he was paying for the sins of mankind.. He was accepting abuse for a purpose. Me: And encouraging all His followers to do good to those who do you evil. Friend: We are admonished to forgive... But you can only truly forgive someone who is contrite. Me: I disagree. You can forgive someone who is not contrite. But the non-contrite individual may be incapable of receiving your forgiveness.... Friend: A person who will not acknowledge a wrong can't receive forgiveness. Not even from God. Friend: Exactly Friend: God is always willing to forgive us, but if we are not contrite, we can't receive it and we remain unforgiven. Me: "Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us." (or sins=trespasses=debts=...) Me: Part of forgiving is forgiving self, I believe. Me: Accepting the role of human imperfection. Friend: Indeed, but again.. Forgiveness can only be received by a contrite heart. Friend: If someone comes to you and asks forgiveness, you must forgive. Me: If the asking for forgiveness is indeed not disingenuous. Friend: One who refuses to acknowledge that they've wronged you can't be forgiven Me: Or maybe even if it is. Friend: We have to ask God to forgive us.. It isn't dispensed without contrition. Friend: God is ever willing if we are contrite Me: God only forgives us as we forgive others. Friend: As above, so below Me: I think I have been carying huge chips on my shoulders for over 47 years. Me: They need to be cleaned off. Friend: Drop the chip, just maintain your dignity. You are a child of GOD. Me: I love this poem: Me: http://twinkie.homedns.org/twinkie/growth/limited/accept.txt Friend: That's lovely.. You can hate the sin, but love the sinner. But remember that not everyone walks in love and light. Cast not your pearls before swine, lest they be trampled under foot. Me: Not even sure I agree with that "cast your pearls" advice. Will have to think about it. (Thought question: What are pearls? Thought question: What are swine?) Friend: Forgiveness can only be received by one who is contrite. You can release a person from your anger and contempt, but that won't make them your friend. (end of discussion)